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Notice in the revision that the field is now clear (ecology), and the language has been made much more field-specific ("conservation methods," "green organizations"), so the reader is able to see concretely the ideas the student is communicating.This sample thesis statement makes a claim, but it is not a claim that will sustain extended discussion.means that a scholar in your field could disagree (or perhaps already has! Strong thesis statements address specific intellectual questions, have clear positions, and use a structure that reflects the overall structure of the paper.
The student needs to come up with a more arguable claim, and probably a narrower one; remember that a short paper needs a more focused topic than a dissertation.
Better: Roderick's (2009) theory of participatory leadership is particularly appropriate to nurse educators working within the emergency medicine field, where students benefit most from collegial and kinesthetic learning.
The statement can be restricted or clarified and eventually worked into an introduction.
As you revise your paper, try to phrase your thesis or purpose statement in a precise way so that it matches the content and organization of your paper.
You can see here that the student has simply stated the paper's assignment, without articulating specifically how he or she will address it.
The student can correct this error simply by phrasing the thesis statement as a specific answer to the assignment prompt.
In the revised thesis, you can see the student make a specific, debatable claim that has the potential to generate several pages' worth of discussion.
When drafting a thesis statement, think about the questions your thesis statement will generate: What follow-up inquiries might a reader have?
Words like "ineffective" and "argue" show here that the student has clearly thought through the assignment and analyzed the material; he or she is putting forth a specific and debatable position.
The concrete information ("student interviews," "antibullying") further prepares the reader for the body of the paper and demonstrates how the student has addressed the assignment prompt without just restating that language.